You know, I fully intend on going to law school. I was initially going to go into Criminal Defense law, because it’s one of those dreams of a young fledgling college student to make the world into sunshine and rainbows and navigate the muck and mire that is Public Defenders and underpaid shit like that. Then I thought about family law, and that’s the idea that I’ve been married to since.
But this? Shit like this? It makes me really have to reconsider my change sometimes.
This is Tyell Morton. Say Hi. Introduce yourself to this kid. He’s an awesome kid, well-behaved, has a great sense of humor, just like the bulk of high school students. He’s never been in trouble and it began to all pay off this year, as he was going to walk at his own graduation and enjoy his senior year.
Hilariously, his senior prank consisted of taking a blow-up doll – yes, a blow-up doll – and placing it in the girl’s bathroom. Like James Bond, he walks about stealthily with the package, latex gloves and hoodie, evading security and, like a fucking ninja, manages to find his destination where he can put his dastardly contraband! Oh, imagine the anguish of some poor young pubescent female! OH WHAT A WORLD!
Anyway, that’s not the punchline. The punchline is this shithole of a town sees fit to charge Tyell with Felony Criminal Mischief, which, under Indiana Law, carries a penalty of a minimum of TWO YEARS IN THE SLAMMER and a MAXIMUM OF EIGHT.
You hear that? That’s the sound of my motherfucking head exploding.
